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Ask a HedCoach! |
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ChickenHed Hive Mind
Specialties: ChickenHed, False Slack, Orthogonal Strategies, Party Fowlery Best-selling author of "I'm OK, You're OK-HOLE," ChickenHed dynamically drives self-esteem, career success, dreams and hard work straight into objective concrete. By selecting the ChickenHed Hive Mind, you unify the diverse talents of your entire HedCoach ensemble into one polymorphous fustercluck. "Reality is something you rise above." - Liza Minelli |
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The Bad Pioneer
Specialties: Urethra Spelunking; Yiffy Stigma; Emotional Wellbeing The Bad Pioneer grants you carte blanche to embrace the fullness of your sexual experience and reach new levels of intimacy, pleasure and satisfaction. By any means necessary. Any. | ||
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Raki Shangles
Specialties: Primordial Sludge-Wading; Original Sinner; Permission Granter Are you a chimp or a chump? Let me rake you back to your evolutionary roots. Come to terms with your primal instincts, consequences be damned! Surrender yourself to Darwinian law- but let me be your guide. From the Garden of Eden to retarded frogs mating with toasters, I've been there. None of your wishes are perverted. Let me help you realize the urges you can, and understand the urges you shouldn't. |
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Mr. Dr. Th' Mole, DDS
Specialties: Sexual Ennui, Personal Hygiene You have issues; I have insights. You have questions; I have the ability to look up answers on Wikipedia with my iPhone. As your HedCoach I will uncover all of your neuroses and mental afflictions, laying them bare on the examination table to poke and prod with gentle but insistent fingers. We will pinpoint your weaknesses (which I keep a list of in my desk drawer next to the lotion), and then ram you past those limits. There is no cure for mental illness but there are coping tools, and these I am licensed to prescribe in abundance. The territory we shall explore has no map; we must follow our inner moral compass towards enlightenment. Reading this has been your first step upon that path. |
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Poon Lo
Specialties: Rolling in it (like a dog), metaFüHREVER, Agency-building through Lies Poon Lo will summon curiosity where there was fear, hope where there was defeat, clean towels where there was incontinence. Her astrological influences are concentrated in the sixth, eighth and bounce houses; so let her steady heart and hands be your guides through issues of travel, gene wilderness, spirituality, birth, familial conflict, FUBAR detournement, and the Home. When she is not coaching, she is seeking out the most exotic debauched occult adventures in the world, and she's doing it for the kids. "I only hope I can touch as many anonymous lives as I myself have been touched anonymously." - Poon Lo |
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David Lee Rothko
Specialties: Pubic Dreadlockery; Art Therapy; Invisible Backwards Hairstyles While on the road in support of Van Halen's 1984 David Lee Roth the Elder experienced a night of exceptional psychic turbulence (even by his standards.) Accounts of what happened vary. Roadie Steve Stevens gave us his version. "It was around 4 am and I was driving the speedboat. David was behind me waterskiing on two midgets he had duct-taped to his feet. He was wearing a red patent-leather tutu, a monocle and a coonskin cap. He was smoking one of those big joints he liked. It was down towards the end of the joint and he was using a baby's arm with rigor mortis as a roach clip. David was screaming at the top of his lungs, "INVISIBLE BACKWARDS HAIRSTYLES!" Then, just like that- he was gone. Apparently, David was taken into another dimension or something and butt-raped by Jah because when he woke up the next morning he was 6 months pregnant. He spent the rest of the tour trying to hide his pregnancy from the rest of the band and the public which was super-hard because of the mandatory spandex clause in his contract. Anyway, 3 months later, he was on drugs and digging up the grave of Mark Rothko. Just as soon as he had got the coffin in the back of the pick-up he had to take the biggest dump so he opened the coffin and pooped inside. Not realizing that he had pooped out his baby, David went home and left the baby in the coffin for a couple of weeks. Luckily for the field of art therapy, the baby survived by eating the rotted corpse of the abstract expressionist. Supposedly the genetics got integrated and the combination was now 1/3 David Lee Roth, 1/3 Jah Rastafari, and 1/3 Mark Rothko. Today, David Lee Rothko helps the people of the world by creating beautiful color field paintings on their bodies. His medium is usually condiments like ketchup, mustard and relish. For brushes he uses his matted, dreaded mane of pubic hair. His fee is $1M / hour. |
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Glitterus Rex
Specialties: Life Coach Coaching; Consoling Counselors; Succoring Sycophants Ms. Glitterus Rex is an established Life Coach Coach. She extends from the event horizon to the farthest reaches of known space and she eats aircraft. With a Ph.D in Ponzi-parapsychonavelplundering, Ms. Rex will ask you the questions that you should ask others to ask themselves to ask their Life Coaches. She is She-vocative, Pro-vocative, Vox-probative, and you better watch yourself, mister! Admit it- don't you need help admitting to her that you should admit to yourself what others should admit to you? Glitterus Rex will descend in the night to dominate you, that you might, in turn, foster your own dormant dominance over your clients' destinies. |
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Dr. Kurt Shocker, MBA
Specialties: PhilosoPhynance, Economoproblemics, Stock Taking A notorious philosopher once posited the following correlation between wealth and turmoil*:
* Then again, the same scholar also opined... "First comes the cash, then comes the ass, then come big blunts with chunks of hash." |
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Kimberlily T. Rubblemacher
Specialties: Certified Maxillofacial Gladdener Kimberlily has been life-coaching for over 30 years. As Kimberlily says, "I've been formulating advice and offering dynamic client-centered solutions since before I could even see the end of the birth canal!" Kimberlily's smile therapy resonates deeply healing modalities of maxillofacial gladdening "full release" jackrabbit therapy. CHEER UP, FUCKERS!!!!!!! |
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Paul Wignall
Specialties: Sportsman Coach I've taken a depressed, suicidal man up El Capitan who had been dumped by his wife and considered bad at sex. I harnessed him up and pulled hard on the reins. He is now happily married with children and a vacation home. From wheelie-popping to base-dumping: 100% fiscally pro-active sports success with spoiled, depressed people. I frighten balance into you through exercise. I don't know how to summarize this into a professional profile on the coaching website. |
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Malesther A. Harlow
Specialties: Chickenhed; False Slack; Nutria Stigma Esther told detectives she saw what she believed to be a nutria swimming in the river. She grabbed a .22-caliber rifle and shot at what she thought was a large, dorito-toothed, water-dwelling rodent. She soon realized that an individual has not started living until she can rise above the narrow confines of her individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. You can show them the door, but they're the ones who walk through it. Effective coaching is not an accident. |
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Kënny Jësüs
Specialties: Kegel Ausdauer; Moustache Heilverfahren Innerhalb aller uns gibt es eine schwer bestimmbare Melodie, die, wenn Sie gehÁZrt werden und gefolgt werden, zu die ErfÁZllung unserer vernarrtsten TrÁZume fÁZhrt. Folgen Sie meinen TrÁZumen, denn TrÁZume sind alle, die Sie haben. Im ProzeÁZ wurde Ihr Leben magisch. Das Moustacheprojekt arbeitete Cochlear- kegel Muskeln, zwecks den Kraftstoff zu destillieren. Was ist Leben, wenn Sie die Welt besitzen, aber meine Seele verletzt wird? |
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SurvivalMachine
Specialties: Pipecleaning Dark Crannies, Salving Grease, Vagina Dentata Troubled by a certain... secret? Do you want to share your... secret... but fear rejection? Invite me to embrace you and your... secret. I want to envelop your... secret... and squeeze and squeeze
and squeeze and *SQUEEZE* until-
Shhhhhhhhhh! |
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Erik Francis
Specialties: Emotional Sobriety, Relationships, Financial Success Erik Francis is a highly advanced Productivity Coach and Trainer, with a passion for helping people find their purpose and achieve their goals. Erik initially studied human development, social interaction and psychology in Peru, and has more than 12 years experience in the personal development field. Trained by, coached for and consultant to some of the top personal companies and celebrities in the world, Erik's passion for life and drive for success is contagious. |
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Baabo Tomatoeyez
Specialties: Bad Trip Monarch; Semen Gargler Atlantis, also known as "All-Land-Ice" or The Ice Age, cradled Humankind's most fragrant Fruits. We hewed our Dwellings from Stone and drank our Sperm and Vaginal fluids to Suckseed in Life, to Real-eyez, and to ritually Control reproduction. The height of Modern Folly is the Delusion that we have Progressed. HA! |
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Carny Jerkwater
Specialties: Life Success; Career; Emotional Wellbeing My clients tend to be happier, much less stressed, more aware, and more willing to own their desires. My clients master their interpersonal boundaries, enjoy fulfilling relationships, find truly lucrative career directions, make more money, take inspired action, and experience inspired results! |
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Amos Happ
Specialties: Romance; Rogaine Arts; Rakenbroom Amos Happ ferments Transformative Embarrassment to foment revolutionary client achievement. With his unique brand of Directed Hypnogogia, Amos synergetically broomrakes his clients' mental socks, spiritual leaves, financial boondoggles and romantic eyesores into attractive, well-manicured lifescapes. Let Amos Happen to You! |
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Seofon
Specialties: Metaversal Lightcraft; Executive Prestidigitation; Magiq with a q Seofon advises tipping our heads towards Chicken Foot, and has now been 3000 years in samadhi, wearing a three-piece suit and a worried chomping mechanism on the fiberglass adults, educated and talented, from the Biscuit Whiskers of Impotence Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, much later hiding in the cauldron, gibbering helpful things, made a breakthrough by sitting next to you piously in the caboose like a novice monk laughing for the past of it, eyes like nickels and dimes for an emotional high colonic of alphabet soup, alpha beta and omega stew and psi pancakes. And all that ergot in his pudding skin. Lest you forget: Every man and every woman got star-monkey-love. |
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Tootse Barbaloot
Specialties: Authentic Gynepsychology; Navel Razing Tootse harvests cervical mucus, which she considers a playground for making moving hand and foot simultaneously look fit only for professional kinetic developers, but with a little life-coaching, you too may unleash the ambidextrocity of your internal manifestations. Her process involves routine cervical mucus readings: they are the playground for making moving hand and foot simultaneously look fit only for professional kinetic developers, but with a little life-coaching, you too may unleash the ambidextrocity of your internal manifestations like it's a job fit only for professional kinetic developers moving hand and foot simultaneously. |
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Javier Javier Del Franco
Specialties: Regression Therapist; Author; Rebirthing Coach Javier Javier (a man so nice his mom named him twice) is a specialist in dealing with childhood issues. He is a practitioner of Thinner Child Gestalt Diet Regression and Thug Hug Therapy. He has authored many self-help and books, including: "*Spanking Your Inner Child*" and "*Issues with Issues: How to use them like Tissues... AND THROW THEM AWAY*" Javier Javier understands that in order to move forward in life, we must move backward into our childhood, picking apart piece by piece the longings,cravings,and failures that made us the being we be being before today. He encourages his clients to cry until they laugh, laugh until they leap, and leap until they have touched the sky- coming back down to Earth to spread nurturing goodness like a salve of healing on the emotional wounds of others till everyone is made as whole and healthy as they deserve to be. NAMASTE |
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Tatiana Gill
Specialties: Sexual Success; Sexual Wellbeing; Vagina Power I am a Sexpert. |
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Todd G. Nough
Specialties: Class Warfare; "Hand-2-Hand Combat as Metaphor" Systems Approach Life Coaching is often unfairly monopolized by the elite classes and therein Todd found his focus, hope, and motivation. Todd provides clear, concise directives which stimulate creative ideas by which you can move forward to achieve your goals, such as controlling the means of production. Todd works as closely as possible with minors and unwed mothers. |
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Lisa Chopsticks
Specialties: Success Jammer; Goal Stalker; Inertia Thug SMACK! Build fulfilling relationships! POW! Achieve career goals! SLAP! Enhance creativity! BIFF! Master your personal power! BANG! Unstick those stuck places! THWACK! Maximize profit and happiness! KICK YOUR DREAMS OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! |
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J. Sigher
Specialties: Nadir Raiding, Existential Mouthbreathing We're on a one-way trip to the boneyard moving faster every day. Everything I touch turns to ashes, and everyone I see is already dead to me. Especially you. If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans. What's the point? Aren't you tired of struggling? Who are you trying to impress, anyway? Give up. |
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Valeriana McGilles
Specialties: Guilt Mulching; Tree-Humping; Emotional Well-being Let me give you a boost up to your next branch! Nutritional bark-licking creates a solid foundation for your hectic, busy schedule in a less-than supportive, toxic environment. I hope to reveal this flavor to you. There is a tremendous healing power in our friends, the trees- they all carry an innate regenerative energy for mental stress, headaches, toothaches, anxiety, insomnia, menstrual cramps, past-life regression, erectile dysfunction and heart palpitations. The bark may be rough, but it goes down smooth. |
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Jondue
Specialties: Pleiadian Dolphin Tantra; ChickenHed Jondue is internationally renowned for his work with dolphins and donkeys. In 2001, he developed Way-O'-The-DolphinTM, a bedside healing technique synthesizing his controversial research into healing dolphin and human emotion through tactile feedback. His quiet whisper and gentle touch, coupled with signature whistles and clicks, have been soothing anxiety, opening chakras (yes, even that one!), and bestowing the gift of precognitive echolocation upon each of his deeply satisfied clients. |
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Jeng A. Bus
Specialties: Relationship Coach, Thought Field Therapist Jeng A. Bus would like to share with you the tools that have transformed her life over many years of intensive training in counseling, coaching, and energy work. She believes deeply in the power of knowing and the wisdom within each one of us. As your coach, she will create a gentle, loving space where you can access and honor your own inner guide. Working together, you will transform your stuck places and move forward into freedom and empowerment. |
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A'damn Fabulous
Specialties: Life Success; Orthogonal Strategies The best way to get out of trouble is to make new problems. |
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Dr. Bone
Specialties: Inaugurating Joy via Brain-Polishing; Urethra Spelunking; Trepanation Arts Certifications: International Accreditation of Nocturnal Adult Living (IANAL); Legion of Lambda (LOL); Fatherhood of Urethral Catheter Kinetic Research On Crying Kids (FUCKROCK); an associate of Rhetorical Theories From Man(RTFM); Subliminal Emotional Opportunities (SEO). Working with clients from all walks of life, Dr. Bone has been actively pursuing psychiatric research to discover ways of healing trauma-induced stress symptoms by stressing healing-induced trauma. If you can still whimper, then you can still be helped. |
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Lori Picsee
Specialties: BinAural Beatings, Subliminal Pogroms, Manchurian Marketing Miss Picsee has burrowed deep within the bowels of the Personal Growth Industry for over a decade, beginning with the Psychic Friends Network back in 1996. For the past 6 years, Lori has melted brains with BinAural Beatdowns and Subliminal Pogroms. If you have any dilemmas, emotional upheaval, or internet drama, Lori will always find a way to transform them into money. Let Lori help you help her help herself! |
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Ramakrishna Linderman
Specialties: PCP certified, Fiscal Feng Shui; Intentional Shirtcocking A teacher of masculine strength, a stern mien, a gnarled physique, and a virile voice, Ramakrishna tightly focuses Prana to envisage fresh marketing strategies. Usually without pants. |
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Jack Lynch
Specialties: Low-Life / High-Life Juxtatransitionalization; Id / Superego Deathmatchmaking Have you touched your bottom? Is your bottom your top? Using his tried and true methods of "top-down / bottoms-up sanspantsatory visualization," Jack Lynch can help you to finally top your bottom. |
  
   
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